death becomes her.
love is not a commodity,
but if you’re searching for intimacy,
the queer commerce is vanity.
✯
ii. death becomes her.
dating in the queer world is a difficult realm to navigate. each heart is a heart in flight, in pursuit of the next. many of us still regaining autonomy, search for freedom but likewise, detachment. some find comfort in being loved without attachment or emotional investment. others yearn and pine for soulmates to replace the absence of teenage love. sex is without restriction. love is elusive.
above all, self-expression is of the most pertinent. the most guarded. the most protected, yet the most vulnerable. presentation is currency. attractiveness is a hierarchy. each body, face, expression, race, and identity amongst categories. those without white skin, sculpted jaws, bodies of muscle, bodies that are thin, faces without imperfections, and strongly masculine personalities or looks, are within the lower tiers. to be “successfully” queer is in some form to embrace vanity. to present yourself at your most pristine. at times, the lines of self-esteem obscure the lines of security, vanity, and insecurity. i believe many of us suffer from distorted images. i have often seen the mirror as an enemy, as an untrustworthy source, and liar of great proportions; i have spent and continue to spend years unraveling from the pressure of my queer identity. i have seen family, friends, and strangers at the mercy of dysmorphia. their desire to climb the hierarchy as a leech. i have seen some of the most loveable and beautiful people question their abilities, and it pains me, to recognize the effects of the pressures we place upon our neighbors. i believe we are all to some degree victims of and participants of vanity. those without, soldiers of self-esteem, others reformed from their experiences. dating while queer is not without difficulties. sometimes i feel hollow trying to seek love. i have traded hands with another, watched it fall into nothingness, and returned to the hunt repeatedly. these experiences shape the ways we see ourselves and our perceptions of the world and how it reacts to us.
in conversation with a friend, they tell me not having experience with love yet, despite being in their 20’s, has been the biggest opposition to their self-esteem. they tell me that seeing their cis and straight peers find love so easily has made them question their beauty; they say when you are without the validation of affection for so long, you begin to contemplate that there is something wrong. i feel the same. their articulation of the roots of insecurity that often plant themselves in black queer people has given context to the source of insecurity in many. it has opened my eyes. it has allowed me to see a route towards recovery. but alternatively, their knowledge reveals to me the damages society and vanity play in our community.
there’s a misconception the queer community is progressive. there’s a misconception the queer community is inclusive because our love and lust for life are in opposition to society. many believe our politics are inherently different, but being queer, is generally the same. misogyny still breathes. racism still thrives. transphobia is still prominent. fatphobia is still normal.
as a collective, we must learn to love again without restrictions. we must learn to love ourselves for our unique qualities. we must be open to emotional availability. we must treat love as divinity and not fleeting. we must support each other without bias and isolation. we must detangle from vanity.